Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Special Delivery

In Tove Lo fashion, 'now if we're talking Buddy (hey!)...'

This past fall, Buddy took a much welcomed extended leave of absence from our lives. I want to go into details and explain why but I prefer to go Benjamin Button on you and begin backwards.

Usually on your birthday, you receive calls/texts/Facebook messages from friends and family.  This also seems to be the perfect day for the randoms you've met along the the way to slip through the window of opportunity.  In a previous post, I talked about guys in this category; it's someone you most likely met at a bar and in a weakened, temporary moment of liquid induced insanity, you gave him your number.  So, it's ya birfday and you're trying to party like it's ya birfday, but you get distracted when you see a text message from that loser you met at Mad River 4 years ago, who awkwardly tried to kiss you in his kitchen when you refused to take the 'rooftop deck tour'. I'm digressing a little, but it's actually hilarious that some seem to think this is a smart way to impress a lady. Sure, I'll come up on the deck...if you have a fire escape. 

I don't intend to come across as mean, but I question why this happens; I appreciate a nice gesture but this really got me thinking.  Usually after the 'Happy Birthday' greeting comes the 'Thanks! :)' response but what that means is, 'Thanks, this conversation is over'. In a way, I understand...if he's clueless, he needs a good excuse to come swooping back in like a Knight in Shining Armor but instead of a horse, he's riding in a beat up taxi since he's drunk. I guess they figure a special occasion such as the day you were born warrants lame conversation even though the flame they're hoping to reignite burnt out faster than a candle in a hurricane; in fact, there was never a fire to begin with - except on a bottle of Fireball.

It was my friend's birthday a few weeks back and our boozy friend Buddy skipped the birthday greeting and announces it's shot o'clock.  I'm proud to inform everyone that Buddy has recently graduated from Fireball to Rumple Minze; yes, it's clearly Christmas in July and the Heat Miser has currently frozen his love for whiskey. At that time, we were located about 30 miles away celebrating, but he made the offer quite clear - that he was at 'S&J's' (Stan & Joes) and that he has a case of the Rumps.  It's getting late, but if we make it back to Annapolis, we're only a few short blocks and a Rohypnol away from a good time!  Buddy is told that we won't be making it out tonight - it's been a long day and we're tired.

Buddy's response? 'If you're nice, I'll bring you a slice of cheese' He's been bringing the 'cheese' all along, but what he's referring to tonight is pizza.  Trying to sway the drunk girl with food huh?  Some girls want a sugar daddy but he's under the impression that she wants a Papa John.  If we wanted someone taking food requests at 1:30 in the morning, it'd be Giovanni from Pizza Boli's...not you.